Monday, September 10, 2012

Reflections

I want to reflect a little. I do a lot of thinking when I drive or when I am in spin class. I write entire blog posts in spin class, in my head. Then, I never get them typed.  Its sad.
I am going to try tonight to get some thoughts down.

I have noticed, I have been happy. Its weird. I mean, I have never experienced depression, but I have been known to dwell on things or find the negative. I used to find things wrong...with my life, with my career, with my husband, with my house, etc.

 When we moved back to NH, I left a career behind. Or at least, the beginning of one. The current job is good and I work for Wonderful people, but it's a very small company and there is just no place for advancement. I Make LESS now than I did 5 years and 4 months ago when I left my job in Boston. I do not have a lot of day to day human interaction.  I think the money is the biggest issue for me though.  On the plus side, the commute is GREAT. Only 12 minutes door to desk. With Anika, that really is a win win situation. I see all my peers getting promotion after promotion or going back to school. Most of the kids I graduated with have finished law school or grad school. I know its not too late, but there are limited options up here in this rural area. It is a family place, and I guess for that, I am happy. And again, the people I work for really are great, when I actually SEE Them!


I moved back to NH after I got married because Andrew wanted to move up here. The city here was different than the city he left. The first 3 years of our marriage were hard. Not all the time, but a lot. He struggled to find a good job.  We lived in the shack down the road from my parents in a town I swore I would leave after high school and Never come back to (only to visit). I felt like a failure. Sure, I was married to a great, handsome man, but I didn't want to be back here. I began to resent him. I missed the city. I hated the country.
At the same time, he was learning to live in a NEW country without his job, HIS house he had bought and worked hard for, his family and friends.  But, I wasn't very understanding about that. In fact, I really sucked at it.

Then, we bought the house (still rural) but at least it was OUR house, things were better. We got Piri right before then too. I was responsible for her. I liked it.  Then, there were a million things i HATED about the house and I wanted to fix or things or I wanted to buy, but my husband didn't want to spend the money.  He has always been so focused on paying off the house...and we HAVE! We have paid off a huge chunk of the principal. I still want a new bedroom set. I still want a dining room set. I still want new couches, but it doesn't bother me as much now. And, we have done small things- like a new garage door, new washer and dryer, ummm...that might be it! haha

Nowadays, I just find myself...happy. Happy with life. Happy with my husband. Happy with this town.

I have thought about WHAT happened? What changed in me?
First, Obviously, Anika. Anika brings SO much joy to both of our lives. When I start to get down about something or pout, I just simply think of her.  Just the THOUGHT of her and I realize how Friggen lucky we are.  Her health is #1, but then just WHO she is and what she does added to her being healthy- and well, that's something to smile about. I doubted my abilities to be a good parent, but I I feel like I am doing a good job.  Sure, she has done some things lately that embarrass me or make me think, oh crap- we created a monster, but I am talking OVERALL here :)

Second, since becoming a mom, I appreciate my parents so much more. My parents are selfless. My mom would do ANYTHING for me. JUST anything.  The older I get, I realize that my parents are not the norm...I am indeed one lucky daughter.  Now that I am older, I get that so much more. I mean, I KNEW before, but I just seem to understand it better now.

Third, and I really think this is the big life changer for me, but I still attribute what I said above:
  Andrew's health scare this past winter.

I was never really afraid of him dying, but you know, it crossed my mind at times that he had some horrible disease or cancer (they ran all the tests too).  There is no cancer in my blood family (ha, and Andrew tries to tell me I didn't bring good genes to the table-haha).  I have had VERY little death in my life. I am grateful for that. Andrew lost his mom to cancer, and I just CANT imagine losing one of my parents, especially before they got to see me have kids. He truly lives on and has such a good attitude about it. Sure, he misses her, but he stays so positive.
After the fear of him having some deadly illness, therew was the  fear that they couldn't figure out what it was. The unknown is scary. Then, the fear that he could never work again when they finally figured it out. If Andrew could not work, we could not keep this house.  He could barely move! I couldn't imagine a life with him not being able to function, or him not able to be the dad he was before, or the husband he was before.  Then, when he realized what his life might be like, he got depressed. I mean, he wasn't dx'd, but I saw it! He was scared and hated his life in those days. I didnt even know how to handle it.  I leaned on friends during that time- real life friends and online Friends :)


I prayed. I prayed so hard for him to get better. 
As we all know, he got better. I wish he believed in God, but he doesn't.  I think my prayers were answered, and I am so happy they were because he is a good person. He really is. A friend the other day made  a comment  "Oh ya, you are the asshole in your marriage" ...meaning ME :) yes, I guess I can be. ha.


Sometimes, I wonder HOW I got so lucky or how I continue to be lucky.  Is it because I am a good person?  I like to think so, but I always need improvement.  Something else weird has happened since ANrew was sick and I prayed for him to get better.  Every time I go to talk/type badly about someone, I get an overwhelming tug on me telling me not to. When I start to think badly about someone, Something somewhere tells me not to.  I get "tugs" all the time to be better and to do better.  ITS SO friggen weird. I mean, Im not saying its God, it could be that I just grew a conscious! ha.  I have no idea, but the feelings are newish, and I wanted to write them down. And, the tugs dont ALWAYS stop me, but I do get guilty after!

Anyway, I KNOW I haven't really bitched on this blog in a while. I could find things of course, but by the time I get to sit down at my computer, I forget about them! Anika goes to bed at 8 and I should be in bed by 10, so that leaves little time for dishes, pack lunches, laundry, tv, internet, etc.
My marriage is good (it wasn't always) and I really do find myself thanking my daughter and Andrew's sickness for getting me to this place.  It took something wonderful and something really shitty for me to realize it. And, there are still bad things that happen sometimes, but I TRY SO HARD to remind myself, it will pass.  Or, when I start to get down, I think of the positives in my life and it really works.
Also, I know I have talked about it a million times before, but WORKING out regularly is great for the mood. Even though I have gained 15 pounds back, I still work out at least 4 days a week.  If not for the bod, then for the mind :) haha. Nutrition is important too. Good foods and supplements. I always eat good healthy foods, but with all these social events this summer, I have definitely been eating a fair share of garbage.

This might have come off as really cheesey, im publishing it without reviewing. ha.  I still have dishes to do and lunches to pack.

*also, in my last post I made a statement about bf'ing being easy. I didnt mean that. It IS Not easy in the early days. I meant how its easy now...it gets easy after a while.  Sometiems, I forget what a huge time suck it was in the early days! haha.

I hope to be back tomorrow to post about our weekend. Dont want to cram too much in one post :) Who, ME?
But, I cant do a post with no pictures!!

We decided to clean out the shoes. Her feet are growing! I am so happy we have so many hand me downs! 

Treats for Piri.

The treats are called Foxy Treats. My friend makes them. Even if Anika eats one, its fine :)

Sunday was grandparents day, so obviously we took photos.

 And, went to brunch :)

6 comments:

  1. I am so happy that you are happy. Having faith helps so much. I swear it's the only thing that has kept me going half the time. You done good ;) xoxo

    Ps - got your email and accidental erased it. How do you know it was there???

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  2. I'm glad that things are going so well for you right now :-) This was a good reminder of the many things that I take for granted. Thanks for sharing!

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  3. Ashley, this post was so deep! Great post. I am so happy you are happy! It is such a great thing :)parenting and health scares will do that to you but some people dont have a change of heart. Youvare a good person and a good mom! I can totally relate to respecting your parents more and being more thankful for them. I was always thankful for my parents but never understood the depths of it until lexi was born. (the pulling at your heart strings, i really believe that is God :) juat my opinion though)

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  4. I have really noticed a difference in you since Andrew's health scare. Even just through your blog posts, I can tell that you are so happy, and that make me happy! :)

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  5. I love this post! I think the tugs are God!

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  6. What a great post. You are so wonderful. I'm excited to see you guys. When do you come here, again???

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